tears for nienie

last night, for the first time in probably three years, i wept.

i cried, uncontrollably. for hours.

i had just finished piano lessons. branson was off to scouts. so i decided i would spend my solitary time catching up on the nienie story. i've been overcome with interest in what is happening and learning more about stephanie nielson and her adorable family. nienie has been a blogging inspiration to the world. i can't even imagine how her family feels - so overcome with the love and support people have for their family. i, myself, am overcome with love and support for this family. my heart goes out to them, and many a prayer has passed my lips in their behalf.

mindy gledhill held a benefit concert the past weekend to help raise money for the nielsons, as well as for the family of the pilot of the small plane that crashed, leaving many devastated, humbled, and hopeful. my good friend and co-worker, krista flew down to help with the concert - which, might i report, was a huge success. though i was not there myself, there was a moment i felt like i was.

my kitchen was dark, only the light from the laptop filled the room. i was searching for an update on nienie's condition, reading news articles, various blogs, and nienie's sister's blog: c jane. i came acrossed her post about the concert and found myself frantically clicking the link to mindy singing "golden slumbers". it wasn't loading fast enough.

but what my eyes beheld caught me completely off guard.

golden slumbers

stephanie's two daughters sang with mindy - the song stephanie had sung to them all their lives. it started off sweet and heartwrenching. a tear formed as these two little angels began to sing. 'once there was a way...' the tear rolled down my cheek.

'sleep pretty baby, do not cry'. claire and jane were holding hands so tightly. and i was overwhelmed by my emotions. these sweet girls' mother was sleeping - a medically enduced coma for ten weeks while skin grafts and surgeries took place. tears flooded my eyes. my glasses fogged up. but i had to see more. the song wasn't over. i did not want to miss a single note, a single blink.

golden slumbers fill your eyes

smiles awake you when you rise
sleep pretty darling, do not cry
and i will sing a lullabye

at this point i was no longer crying. i was weeping. sobbing even. my emotions took over completely.

the song ended and i needed more. its an addition, really. i want, i need to know. i went back to c jane's blog and scrolled up to the top, to the most recent posts. as if my wish were granted, an update had been posted on stephanie's condition. "out of the woods" is how c jane described it. smiles will awake her when she rises. the grafts were taking. no infections. no organ damages as should have been expected. i read in an article of an interview of one of the doctors who couldn't deny that something special was happening with this beautiful girl, covered in white bandages.

i cried tears of gratitude for the divine power blessing this little family. tears came for the family members and friends who were feeling directly, the hand of God in their lives. tears of humility graced my cheeks as i realized how blessed i truly am. i cried for the baby nicholas who will never quite remember his mother's beautifully freckled face as it once was. tears of frustration fell on my shoulders as i thought about the struggle and long road ahead for the nielsons. but simultaneous rejoicing tears flew from my eyes as i thought about the challenges already overcome for them. as well as the thanksgiving and christmas and birthdays and balloon releasings that will take place for them in the near future.

the tears didn't stop coming for hours. i'm pretty sure i cried myself to sleep.

i know things happen for different reasons, and dare i say this outloud. but i have a feeling this was to strengthen and unite the world, not just the nielsons family. nienie was world famous before all this from her blog. its simple to see what she is all about. she is a beautiful woman who loves life. who delights in wearing red lipstick and dressing up for the love of her life. who would rather stay home and make cookies with her kids all day than send them off to school. who stood firm in her convictions and wasn't afraid to share a testimony. stephanie nielson exemplifies the divine roll of women. and i know i'm not alone in thinking that it is inspiring.

i am inspired and enlighted by nienie. she is a shining example to me. i cry out in compassion for her. she has changed me, along with many others in this world, for the better.

i can't wait until the day when she is reunited with her perfect body - what a glorious resurrection that will be! i hope i can be there for that.

but in the meantime, my prayers will not cease. and my love with grow.

and i will cry.

tears of sadness.

tears of joy.

tears of hope.

but mostly,

tears of gratitude.

i

i am ... a twenty-something success.
i miss ... the posse boys.
i think ... i make the most delicious pies ever.
i know ... the gospel has been truthfully restored.
i want ... to be the perfect wife.
i have ... a wonderful husband.
i search ... for argyle sweaters to wear in the winter.
i wish ... laundry cleaned itself.
i hate ... disrespect.
i am ... full of emotions.
i fear ... ice cream trucks.
i always ... can eat kitkats or reese's peanut butter cups.
i love ... turkey noodle soup, homemade of course.
i feel ... very thankful.
i hear ... the sounds of leaves crunching.
i smell ... like japanese cherry blossoms.
i don't ... like recycled air.
i wonder ... what my kids will be like when they're grown.
i care ... about my family's opinions.
i regret ... in secret.
i am ... aware of my surroundings.
i believe ... life can be a fairy tale.
i dance ... when no one is looking.
i sing ... only when i'm alone or in church.
i write ... my journal as if my children were reading it.
i win ... disney trivia every time.
i lose ... card games to branson frequently.
i never ... want to be consistantly unhappy.
i listen ... to a wide variety of music.
i can ... do anything i set my mind to.
i am ... shanna lynne.

today

today i am grateful.

for so many things.

i am grateful for branson and for his patience. i am grateful for his loving arms. i am grateful for his talents and for his individual personality. i am greatful to spend eternity with him.

i am grateful for my brothers - i'm not kidding when i say they are the best. austin, who is valiantly serving the Lord in toronto. taylor who makes me laugh and amazes me with his ability to do everything and still have time to make me laugh. bryson who thinks very similarly to me and makes me feel intelligent, in part because i think he is in return. tanner who reminds me of my love for reading and makes me smile because he's so cool. braden who teaches me to be more like a child with his innocence and inspires me with his creativity. they are my boys, my body guards and more importantly, my best friends. honorary mention shall be given to stuart, who has basically become my older brother in the past two years. he helps me remember that life is great and filled with adventures. my boys - i'm so glad to call them all my own.

i am grateful for my girls - brindy and pie face. it is no exaggeration to say they are two of the most beautiful girls that grace this earth with their presence. brindy is just laden with talents. she inherited our mother's angelic voice and sings everywhere she goes. she has an infectious giggle that reminds me of my own when i was her ageand her sweetness exceeds spoonfuls of sugar. pie face is my mini-me. she has so much sass bottled up in her, she doesn't even know what to do with it. but she is adorable and charismatic, and her toothy smile makes me laugh. my sisters are the cutest gals around. i'm thankful for them.

i am grateful for my brothers-in-law. though i don't know them as well yet as i know my own brothers, i am privileged to be their sister-in-law. i'm grateful for dane for his outside-of-the-box way of thinking and for his smile. someday, i will be at lunch with his future wife, our kids running around as little kids do, and she will say "i love when dane smiles. it just melts me." i am grateful for chad, and his willingness and excitement to serve the lord's people in santiago, chile. and for his giggle. not laugh. giggle. it brings me great joy. i am grateful for blake. he is awesome. i really like being around him. he makes me smile, and already we've shared a few inside jokes. like the eye patch at our wedding open house. blake makes me feel like an entertainer and that encourages me to continue entertaining. i am also grateful for brad. he just makes me laugh with his off-hand comments and stories that he tells, and then shows me the soft side of brad - when he is lounging on the couch with baby jack lying on his chest, and wesley snugged up next to him. i'm grateful he is such a good dad to my nephews.

i am grateful for kendyll. early on i knew the two of us were going to get along very well. one of the first times we spent time together, we had a conversation where we found out we were similar is many ways. she told me she was glad branson picked me and not some snotty girl she wouldn't like. i am so grateful for the friendship and the sense of sisterhood we have already developed. i could not have hand picked a better sister-in-law. in a very short period of time, she has become one of my best friends, has encouraged me to be a better person, and has made me even more excited to be a mother. i know it was part of a great plan that we became sisters. she is such a great example to me and i am so thankful and privileged to call her my sister.

i am grateful for wesley and jack. they are the cutest nephews anyone has ever had. wesley makes me happy. every time we see him, he shouts "SHAN! SHAN!" he makes me feel loved. and baby jack is such a sweet baby. i am so grateful i have the opportunity to watch the two of them grow and progress in this life. i'm so grateful to be an aunt.

i am grateful for my new mom and dad, shannon and harold. i could not have married into a better family. i am grateful for my in-laws and for the way they have taught and raised their children. i am so grateful for shannon and for her sense of humor and her vast array of talents. i have so many things to learn from her. she is beautiful and charming and has made me feel welcome from day one. i am so grateful for harold and for his quiet example of stalwart faith. he reminds me a lot of my daddy. i am grateful for his service and for his love. i truly am blessed to now be a part of the larson family.

i am grateful for my mom and daddy. i cannot fully express my gratitude. to my mom - who gave me life. who taught me truth and righteousness. who led me to the knowledge that i could do anything i set my mind to. who taught me to not give up, to not quit even when things get hard. who taught me to be gracious and helped me see the importance of reverence. who inspires me. who sets an example for me that i can only dream of living up to one day. my mom taught me. my mom played with me. but most of all, she loved me. for that i am forever grateful. i am grateful for my daddy. i am grateful that he still thinks of me as his little girl. he taught me how to make things with my own hands. he showed me how things work and helped me learn why they work. through his brilliant example, i have learned one of the greatest lessons we can learn on earth: the value of hard work. my daddy is the hardest worker i know. i am grateful for his valiant service, not only to his family, but to complete strangers, friends and most important, the Lord. he is the poster child for magnifying your calling. he has shared his insights with me, enhancing my mind. he has shown me how to love, and how to be loved. i am infinitely grateful for my parents. i am grateful for the family they have given me and for the lessons i have learned from them.

i am grateful for memories.

particularly for memories with the afore mentioned people.

i am grateful for the memory of saying to austin "you want me to send you back to where i found you? unemployed in greenland?" at the age of 4. i am grateful for the time taylor did his "athsma boy" impression. i am grateful for the halloween when mom dressed a one year old bryson up as a monkey - complete with a tail and red hat with gold trim. i am grateful for watching tanner sink 3-pointer after 3-pointer at wardball games. i am grateful for the side hug / "hey sis" braden gives me everyime he sees me. i am grateful for brindy's arrival on january 24th, 2000 - i had given up hope on ever having a sister of my own, but she came! and all i wanted to do was hold her day and night. i am grateful for the nights when pie face was scared and came to sleep in my bed instead of mom and dad's.

i am grateful for the laughs i shared with blake at our open house when i wore a temporary eye patch. i am grateful for chad's giggle that filled my home when he came for dinner and played my "rad" organ. i am grateful for the night that dane stayed at our house, when early saturday morning i found him and branson playing nintendo like they were little kids again. i am grateful for the memory i have of being at brad and kendyll's home, watching wesley's reaction to brad coming home from work. i am grateful for the time that kendyll laughed so hard she cried from branson telling me the story of brad meeting granny for the first time. i am grateful for the time right after we were married when harold hugged me for the first time as his daughter-in-law and told me how beautiful i looked. i am gratful for the car ride with shannon when she told me she would feel honored to have me call her mom.

i am grateful for the tears in my mom's eyes when i walked out of the dressing room for the first time with my wedding dress on. i am grateful for the memory i have of sitting on the stand on my daddy's lap while he was the bishop.

i am grateful for the cold winter night when, with a half lost voice sounding much like a mouse, i told branson i loved him.

i am grateful for the perfectly beautiful june morning when branson met me at the salt lake temple to take me by the hand and begin our eternal journey together.

i am grateful.

byu football

although last night delivered a devastating loss to the byu football team... my faith is not squandered. i'm pretty sure the cougars will win the rest of the games this season, and go 11-1... that right there is a great season.

.so max hall has one bad game in his college football career... who doesn't? he's one of the smartest quarterbacks playing the game right now. brian johnson, quarterback for the utes, may be good too, but he doesn't think as quick as max does. and he gets caught in the pocket a lot. its true that max hall probably had the worst game of his life last night - getting worked by tcu... but come on, give the kid a break. everyone has a bad game, and what does it do? it encourages and gives motivation to never have a game like that again.

(**let me clarify that this is not a utah fan bash. i have nothing against ute fans and i'm not super offended by them telling me that they hate byu... i'm just annoyed at the moment. i know a lot of things are said in the spirit of sports... and that's fine. this is just an example of some of the conversations i've had lately. because, come on! part of being a sports fan is to razz other people and be razzed in return. that is something i know very well. so don't be offended. don't think i hate you. and don't tell me to lighten up! this is just my satirical response to what i've heard all my life. so enjoy it in the spirit of fun, light-hearted sports talk.)

but let me just put all of those byu haters in their place for a minute... because i am sick and tired of hearing all of their stupid excuses for loathing the cougars - generally unfounded, might i add.

reasons like "byu hasn't had to play anyone this season... they're schedule has been easy"... ok. first and foremost ncaa football schedules aren't just picked the year before. they're picked like 5 years in advance. and even if you thought you were the greatest unprofessional college football analyst ever, how can you possibly predict who is and who is not going to be good in 5 years? you can't. for example... where's miami this season? they aren't even ranked! could you have predicted this 5 years ago? 5 years ago when miami was in the top 5 in the nation? and besides, byu isn't the only team with an "easy schedule." the university of utah's schedule hasn't really surpassed the cougars in difficulty either. i think i've made my point. so anyone who complains about an "easy schedule" needs to be put in their place - try and make a schedule 5 years in advance. and then talk to me.

.

another frequently used excuse: "byu just thinks they're better than everyone." puh-leeaasse! what school doesn't think they're better than every other school? utah fans think they're better than byu. unlv think they're better than utah. notre dame thinks they're the cream of the crop. texas is definitely a prideful school.... so why is it that everyone only bags on byu? texas is well known for their state pride... the university of texas, no doubt, thinks they're the best. what i'm trying to say is that every university has school pride. every school thinks they're great... and why shouldn't they? but saying you hate byu because they think they're better than everyone is just a juvenile attempt to curb your unfounded hatred.

.

probably one of the things said that i hate the most is this - "i hate byu because they're all mormons." do you hate tcu because they're all christians? do you hate notre dame because they're all catholics? do you hate usc because they're all californians? i understand that there has been and always will be persecution against mormons. but really? "i hate byu because they're all mormons?" grow up. that's just ridiculous. for one thing, byu is not all mormon. there are plenty of people who aren't affiliated with the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. just like tcu isn't all christian, and usc doesn't only accept people born in california. along those same lines is: "you have to follow an honor code..." well, did you start to hate president hinckley when he proposed "raising the bar" in general conference? i didn't think so. there's no reason following an honor code should be a big deal if you can answer all your temple recommend questions honestly.

.

it absolutely disgusts me when i hear "oh, well, byu must not have been as righteous this week because the lost..." oh yeah? well, you're just an idiot! why is it that when byu wins a game and is interviewed afterwards and there is a moment when they thank God for the win that all of a sudden its a reason to hate them? dumb. when schools not affiliated with any religion win and they're star quarterback says into a news camera that he would like to thank God for helping him win that night... no big deal. but when schools obviously attached to a religion bring up God - - - 'oh no! they're being self-righteous! they have no right to thank deity!' what? are people afraid that what a byu player says about religion might be true? w h a t e v . apparently the cougars should be punished and scorned for having a coach who holds his players to a higher standard. apparently byu football players can't thank God for their talents and their victories - no, that is controversial. get real.

.

everyone doesn't have to love byu, but come on. have a little respect! you can't deny the fact that byu was good enough to break the top 10. you can't say that byu doesn't have a talented bunch of kids playing football for them. you can't deny that bronco mendenhall has been a fantastic coach overall. all of the people who have said that byu made it into the top ten by a fluke or that they don't deserve it - well, obviously they do. if you know anything about ncaa football polls... you know that you can't get in the top ten without working your tail off. and byu has worked hard! they've done really well this season! sure, they had a really bad game against tcu, but tcu has the #1 defense in the nation! that's hard to beat. byu isn't the only team that has lost to an unexpected opponent. take last weekend for example - oklahoma state (17) beat missouri (3). mississippi state beat vanderbilt (13). good teams lose! it happens. thats part of what makes sports so exciting. sometimes the unexpected happens. and sometimes it happens in your favor. others it doesn't.

.

but don't be a jerk. i'm sick of unsportsmanlike conduct... particularly off the field.

.

which brings me to my next subject. people complain about byu fans. but lets just be honest... every school has "those fans". you know what i'm talking about. it goes back to that pride thing i already mentioned. i'll be the first to admit that byu has some super irritating fans who are jerks and who are rude and who have no social grace when it comes to opposing team's fans. (or other people in general for that matter) i have seen it a few times in lavell edwards stadium. but guess what - - - i've also spent some time in the muss (mighty utah student section) and guess what i saw... the same thing, only wearing red instead of blue. every school has a jerk (or several) who is loud and obnoxious, takes off their shirt and sticks their disgustingly sweaty body in your face and tells you that you're stupid for not cheering for their team. and every school has a crazy person who maybe gets a little too into the game, making it uncomfortable for those around them. but one advantage to cougar fans at lavell edwards stadium is that there is no alcohol. the sweaty idiot next to you isn't completely sloshed and won't spill his beer all over you. (and yes, i speak from past experience and no it wasn't in utah) but its not exclusive to byu. its not only with cougars fans. and it is by no means a reason to say you hate byu. so don't tell me byu fans are the worst. a) i take that as a personal insult, because I am a byu fan. and i am not the worst. b) i can prove to anyone at any game for any school that they have fans just as awful as they say byu does. and c) every fan is not the loud guy or the drunk guy. if there were only 3 byu fans in the world who acted like morons, that would be one thing. but there are hundreds of thousands of byu fans around the world. and calling all of them stupid or sterotyping them into the "worst fan" category is completely unfair and makes you look stupid. do you think all germans are like hitler, too?

. . . . .

i love byu football! sure i was disappointed and let down by the game last night... but the season is only half over! there's still so much football to enjoy! and i am the furthest thing from a fair weather fan. one stupid game against tcu isn't going to make me change my mind about the byu cougars. i'm sure i supported byu in 1984 when they won the national championship as an unborn child. i supported byu when they sucked under the reign of gary crowton. and i support them now.

..

rise and shout? gladly.

chaddy waddy

last night as i was making a delicious catfish dinner, my phone rang. it was branson's mom. so i answered, "hey!" when i was greeted by a deep voice...

"shanna..."
"hi!" - thinking it was branson's dad...
"this is elder larson"
"CHAD! how are you?!"
"great! ......"

our conversation lasted for an hour. chad had a 2 hour layover in atlanta on his way to chile. so he called mom and dad, then called kendyll, and then called us. he tried to call collect, but apparently cell phones aren't too keen on collect calls. so he called mom again and they 3-way called us.

it was so great to hear his voice! he sounds wonderful! and he is so excited to be in chile serving the lord and his people there. he's a great missionary... and i'm sure he'll only get better from here.

modern technology

modern technology is absolutely amazing.
my brother austin is on his mission in toronto, but i'm talking to him right now! email has made missionary correspondence quite convenient. its so fast - i sent him a message and 2 minutes later he replied... so for the past 10 minutes or so, i've been talking to my brother on a mission! it is amazing!

letdown

another year. another october. another major league baseball playoff letdown.

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

the angels had probably their best season ever, but they just couldn't handle the playoffs. their defense was weak - way too many little league moments in the outfield. but they did play hard... there were some shining moments when i was nothing but proud. but boston - they just have all the playoff experience. its all too familiar too them, and the pressure is nothing new. unfortunately, that isn't the case for my angels.

so now, i'll watch the red sox play the rays... and i'll hope that the red sox smash them. (mostly for jacoby's sake) and then i will witness joe torre's revenge. i'm putting money on the dodgers taking the world series this year. and with all my heart i hope they do. it will be a phenomenal blow to the yankees - - - the yankees let joe torre loose because he wasn't winning the world series in recent years. but what's the first thing joe torre does? take the dodgers to the playoffs... and hopefully to win the series. take that, steinbrenner!

..
in other news, we saw forever strong last night. and may i just say - it was fantastic! definitely a must-see! i loved it. so did brans and so did his mom. we all had a lovely time. and it was awesome to recognize people on the big screen. some kids from olympus were in it. pretty cool. branson got sick of me saying, "i know him! ooh! and i know him! ..." moral of the story: rubgy is most definitely a man's sport. i've seen my fair share of byu rugby games as well as an occasional highland rugby game and it is intense! so while i wallow in the fact that angels baseball is over until next year, i'll reminisce about rugby games and enjoy the domination of byu and utah football. hopefully both teams will go undefeated until the rivalry at the end of november. yes, that would be fantastic! and then max hall and his posse will let loose on the utes.

oh how i love sports in autumn!

sporadic

...the angels better win tonight...

...i'm glad the utes won last night...

...byu is ranked 7th or 8th, depending on the poll, and yet the stupid bcs ranks them at 17...

...i hate the bcs...

...poor utah state - hopefully it wont be a blowout, for their sake...

...what am i saying! of course i want it to be a blow out...

...move on up the polls, byu...

...the dodgers smashed the cubs - if the angels can pull it off, its an LA series for sure...

...i still love/hate jacoby ellsbury...

...i keep having really weird dreams...

...i'm fascinated with how stephenie meyer came up with the idea for the host. i totally get the twilight series concept - but 'souls'? totally interesting...

...can't wait for the twilight movie...

...i need to see forever strong...

...i also need to do laundry...

...having a hard time focusing at work... can you tell?...

...

i don't know if its because its friday, or because the weather is changing or because i just have a lot of things going on, but i seriously am having a hard time focusing. all my thoughts are sporadic.

...

but i am super excited for this weekend. more baseball games than you can watch; football, football, football; general conference; helping grandma and grandpa l.; and, of course, because its the weekend!

immortal ellsbury

jacoby ellsbury.

he's immortal. i'm telling ya. he was amazing last year in the playoffs as the red sox rookie, and only a year later, he's even better.

stealing bases. hitting singles but due to his speed, making it to 2nd. diving in the outfield to make unbelievable catches.

it makes me sick. but only because he's playing my beloved angels. that's right, the los angeles angels of anaheim that actually reside in orange county. my team.

i was happy to see so many salt lake players out on the field last night. see, people tend to think that i'm just a band wagon fan that just started liking the angels in 2002 when they won the world series. oh how FALSE that assumption is. the angels have been my team since i was tiny. like 5. no band wagon jumping here. the salt lake triple-a team, the bees, (also have been known as the buzz, and the stingers. bees is the best choice thus far.) feed to the angels. so i've seen some of the players from their start here is slc. and i love, love, love the angels. they will forever be my team. (and despite what branson says... our kids are going to love the angels too! and they'll support the padres, but lets just be honest, the angels are far superior.)

but i have to admit, i am secretly in love with jacoby. ok so its not so much a secret. he is one of the best ball players i have ever seen. he's so well-rounded that it is almost hard to believe that he is human. he's great at bat. he's phenomenal in the field. he's faster than anyone in major league baseball. he's stolen over 50 bases this season! that's crazy! seriously... i'm starting to think this guy is immortal.

mark my words - there will come a day when people talk about the 'greats' in baseball: babe ruth, hank aaron, ted williams, ty cobb, willie mays, mickey mantle... someday they're going to include jacoby ellsbury. he's great. i just wish he would have a heart and see how much the angels need to win this series.

that being said... come on, angels! we need some spirit in this team - like in 'angels in the outfield' when the whole stadium gets on the feet and gives the 'sign' ... and then at the end danny glover tells tony danza "you gotta angel with you right now" ... perfection. thats a show i need to watch more.

the angels just need to win tomorrow night, win the first game in boston (so help me if john lackey pitches at fenway i will gouge my eyes out ... he's like a spooked horse) and then it will take this series to game 5 - in LA. perfect. then on to defeat the next team, untimately playing the dodgers for the world series. an LA freeway series. i think there could be nothing better this year.

come on, angels!

october

i cannot believe its already october. in my head its like a cold july... wow! time has flown by! so in honor of this month, here are some reasons that i think make october great:

...brans and i will have been married 4 months - 1/3 of a year!...

...its the best month of baseball...

...the angels are going to rock the sox in the playoffs

(as long as lackey keeps his cool)...

...the angels are going to the series. i can feel it...

...sarah has a birthday and will no doubt get lots of presents...

...all of my favorite tv series have returned...

...my youngest brother braden turns 11...

...our good friend ben turns, well, more than 11...

...branson's mom is in town for another week...

...the leaves are changing color...

...its really starting to feel like autumn...

...its almost pie season...

...its also the start of soup season...

...byu football is dominating!...

...college football - need i say more?...

...its hoodie-wearing time...

...its almost cold enough to use our fireplace(s)...

...autumn is my favorite time to cook...

...general conference...

...next month is thanksgiving!...

...

happy october.